I had an appointment with my oncologist on Friday, unfortunately my tumor markers show that the chemo is not having the desired effect on my cancer. Really I wasnt surprised, I felt that I was worse but basically it was a guess. I am in more pain despite the increase in my pain meds, the lymphoedema is much worse and extremely painful at times, the frozen shoulder also manages to give me masses of interesting pains.

Peter was with me when the oncologist gave me the bad news, he actually took it pretty well, he is managing to keep fairly optomistic at this stage. I have been very depressed but with a change of meds and miraculous support from Pete, Mallory and Sam I am mostly staying fairly positive.

Mallory's pregnancy is progressing better, as she approaches her second trimester her morning sickness seems to be subsiding, although still giving her some grief, while purchasing baby goods seems to be filling in my time.

We did manage to pick up a wheelchair for me today, this now means I wontbe restricted to the house, I also got my disabled car parking permit on Friday, that will save Pete and Mal a lot of effort when they take me out.

I guess I am coming to terms with my "future" basically by working on the present, there are times when i become very depressed mainly when I suffer from lack of sleep, a frequent occurance.

Life, love and my beautiful daughters

Tonight i sit and reflect. I had some chest pains and Pete took me to the local ER, it seemed very quiet for a Friday night. A very elderly man was in a bed, other than being old, he didnt appear to have anything wrong with him. He was alone, a very sad place to be. He appeared to be suffering at least partially from Alzheimers, he kept trying to escape which the nurses appeared to find funny.
He became a little upset and started crying out for help. What a horrid society we are that we allow such things to happen. I do understand that some circumstances might cause this to happen to someone. I am not that far from there myself with two of my beautiful girls being estranged from me. I wonder if a similar fate might have led this old man to this place. i also wonder if his children, siblings, relatives, friends might one day come to understand what they have missed out on. The love, laughter and years both themselves and he has missed out on. While I can do nothing to convince my daughters to come back to the family, at least certainly not while I am alive, i can only wish that that were possible. Humans can be only that, human, by our own existance we are falible. If I were to recount the mistakes I have made I would spend any and all time I might have left in regret.
I am lucky enough to have been part of the most loving partnership and marriage possible, it is certainly nothing that I regret. In fact I wish I had another mere million years or so in which to love my husband, after all I would have liked to have been able to at least partially give back some of the love I have been given.
The love shared with my youngest daughter is also one in which I wish I had a few more millenium to enjoy, I understand that the love between mother and daughter is often exceedingly strong it is, sadly, not always that way. It must be one of the strangest loves the human heart gives us, or maybe I am just the lucky one, for nothing my other daughters could do or say, time nor distance can alter the love I feel for them. For me at least that love affair began the moment I laid eyes on them, love nurtured every day I got to hold them, watch them sleep, proudly watch as they succeeded in things they tried as well as things they failed at. In actual fact and hindsight, I think I was more proud of them in the failed endeavors than in their successful ones as of course the true nature of their strength always showed more in their failures rather than successes. Success nor failure has never moved my love for my perfect 'blondes' off track, I guess its a parents cross to bear, to be able to juggle between encouraging them to be the best they can be while basically not giving a dam as they would always remain simple perfection in my eyes.
That we could only be the parents we wished we'd had, the parents we always new we would be and those parents our children saw their friends had. Life is so short, for some odd reason it seems to onlybecome clear and become to be understandable as we draw closer to the end. That one defining moment of childbirth seems to alter everything including perspective. Surely most of which we learn from life comes from what we learn from our children and from our parents, I have learned more about my parents from my daughters than from anything else. I wonder if my children will ever realised they could have learned the lesson of forgiveness in forgiving me, after all they taught me most of my life lessons.
My youngest "baby" is now having a baby of her own, I do hope she learns earlier than me, that it will be her teacher not her pupil.

I am slowly coming to terms with my demise. I am finding the saddest part is leaving my darling Peter,not seeing his face every day is something that troubles my soul. Also the thought of not being able to be here and experience the joy of seeing Mallory's baby grow up and go through the normal cycles of life is something that blackens my heart. I will also miss my beautiful Anna and sweetest Jaclyn, though they havent been in my life for many years nothing has been able to tear them from my heart, i miss them everday and wish that I had been able to share some of my last years with them. Watching them grow into the wonderful strong women and loving mothers that i know they have.

I will also miss my internet friends, some wonderful ladies whom have filled my heart with joy and love. I feel that I have never been able to repay them for their love and caring. They all make me feel so inadequate as a friend, many times I have not participated in group events for fear of letting someone down.

I will miss the smiles and wet nose that Willow greets me with every morning, we have shared many a biscuit and cheese and coffee on the back steps in the mornings. She seemed to sence my impending disease as each morning she seemed to get more and more gentle with me, I do miss her jump to my knees for a cuddle each day.

At this stage all I can do is live each day as it comes, wishing to spend many more on this wonderful, awe inspiring planet we call earth. Its strange how we do not notice beauty in front of us until we are threatened with its removal.
I will fight to the end, i will not go peacefully into the night (god, i love that movie) and i will spend every breathe loving my family and friends.

Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving

Wow, I've had such a tiring time, thousands of doctor appointments, tests, blood letting, you name it but in the end the results all came back the same. After 33 months of good health i once more have cancer. I have cancer in cells in the lymph node in my shoulder, pressing on my brchial plexus and causing me massive pain. I also have cancer cells in 7 of my other lymph nodes, cancer on my chest wall and some small growths in my liver. I have been put back on chemo (Zeloda), as well as on loads and loads of pain killers...although i have still ended up at the hospital on a morphine drip on 3 occassions.

In the exact opposite direction, I am simply over the moon, my baby Mallory and her wonderful partner Sam are expecting their first baby in April, I am so happy for them, no baby could have 2 more loving and devoted parents...(or grandparents)

Its been ages since i blogged last. I injured my shoulder, losing all feeling in my right arm and hand. That sent my team of cancer doctors into a melt down, hoping it wasnt caused by a tumor. I've had 2 months of MRI, CT scan, bone scan, ultrasounds,xrays...I'm on massive doses of morphine as the pain is horrendous (see Brachial neuritis) and i can barely exist. We are off to Japan on 1 September, so I need to get this better.

I sleep when I can so, i sleep on the sofa for a couple hours at a time when my meds are at their best.

Of course Mallory and Peter and Sam have been wonderful, looking after my every need, i thank god every day for each of them.

Having gone thru cancer, now this, i know i am ready to get on with life...bring it on

Weekends

I have missed a few days, been busy doing 'stuff'. I finished decluttering the laundry, and the sewing room. I took a picture of the sewing room, "before", then cleaned the room. I cleaned it soo good i couldn't find the camera to take the after pics. Its taken me 4 days to find the camera, and of course it was right in front of my face, on top of the shelves next to the door inside the craft room.
In the meantime, we're still working on the laundry...we lined the broom closet, and have undercoated it. Tomorrow i will put the high gloss top coat on and take some pics and post them. I am not really sure if i should move onto the ensuite, the masterbedroom or the dining room or even the sitting room next...too many decisions...i guess in fact it should be the craft room as i will need to be doing stuff to add to the other rooms...so, yes, its craft room next.

pics to follow

SAM

This is our cockatiel, SAM...yet another Freecycle rescue..but one i love. He is soooo good for the morale..he can't resist wolf whistling at me and calling me sexy....lol...
I so want a new cage for him, maybe its next after we finish the laundry renos...