I had an appointment with my oncologist on Friday, unfortunately my tumor markers show that the chemo is not having the desired effect on my cancer. Really I wasnt surprised, I felt that I was worse but basically it was a guess. I am in more pain despite the increase in my pain meds, the lymphoedema is much worse and extremely painful at times, the frozen shoulder also manages to give me masses of interesting pains.
Peter was with me when the oncologist gave me the bad news, he actually took it pretty well, he is managing to keep fairly optomistic at this stage. I have been very depressed but with a change of meds and miraculous support from Pete, Mallory and Sam I am mostly staying fairly positive.
Mallory's pregnancy is progressing better, as she approaches her second trimester her morning sickness seems to be subsiding, although still giving her some grief, while purchasing baby goods seems to be filling in my time.
We did manage to pick up a wheelchair for me today, this now means I wontbe restricted to the house, I also got my disabled car parking permit on Friday, that will save Pete and Mal a lot of effort when they take me out.
I guess I am coming to terms with my "future" basically by working on the present, there are times when i become very depressed mainly when I suffer from lack of sleep, a frequent occurance.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Life, love and my beautiful daughters
Tonight i sit and reflect. I had some chest pains and Pete took me to the local ER, it seemed very quiet for a Friday night. A very elderly man was in a bed, other than being old, he didnt appear to have anything wrong with him. He was alone, a very sad place to be. He appeared to be suffering at least partially from Alzheimers, he kept trying to escape which the nurses appeared to find funny.
He became a little upset and started crying out for help. What a horrid society we are that we allow such things to happen. I do understand that some circumstances might cause this to happen to someone. I am not that far from there myself with two of my beautiful girls being estranged from me. I wonder if a similar fate might have led this old man to this place. i also wonder if his children, siblings, relatives, friends might one day come to understand what they have missed out on. The love, laughter and years both themselves and he has missed out on. While I can do nothing to convince my daughters to come back to the family, at least certainly not while I am alive, i can only wish that that were possible. Humans can be only that, human, by our own existance we are falible. If I were to recount the mistakes I have made I would spend any and all time I might have left in regret.
I am lucky enough to have been part of the most loving partnership and marriage possible, it is certainly nothing that I regret. In fact I wish I had another mere million years or so in which to love my husband, after all I would have liked to have been able to at least partially give back some of the love I have been given.
The love shared with my youngest daughter is also one in which I wish I had a few more millenium to enjoy, I understand that the love between mother and daughter is often exceedingly strong it is, sadly, not always that way. It must be one of the strangest loves the human heart gives us, or maybe I am just the lucky one, for nothing my other daughters could do or say, time nor distance can alter the love I feel for them. For me at least that love affair began the moment I laid eyes on them, love nurtured every day I got to hold them, watch them sleep, proudly watch as they succeeded in things they tried as well as things they failed at. In actual fact and hindsight, I think I was more proud of them in the failed endeavors than in their successful ones as of course the true nature of their strength always showed more in their failures rather than successes. Success nor failure has never moved my love for my perfect 'blondes' off track, I guess its a parents cross to bear, to be able to juggle between encouraging them to be the best they can be while basically not giving a dam as they would always remain simple perfection in my eyes.
That we could only be the parents we wished we'd had, the parents we always new we would be and those parents our children saw their friends had. Life is so short, for some odd reason it seems to onlybecome clear and become to be understandable as we draw closer to the end. That one defining moment of childbirth seems to alter everything including perspective. Surely most of which we learn from life comes from what we learn from our children and from our parents, I have learned more about my parents from my daughters than from anything else. I wonder if my children will ever realised they could have learned the lesson of forgiveness in forgiving me, after all they taught me most of my life lessons.
My youngest "baby" is now having a baby of her own, I do hope she learns earlier than me, that it will be her teacher not her pupil.
He became a little upset and started crying out for help. What a horrid society we are that we allow such things to happen. I do understand that some circumstances might cause this to happen to someone. I am not that far from there myself with two of my beautiful girls being estranged from me. I wonder if a similar fate might have led this old man to this place. i also wonder if his children, siblings, relatives, friends might one day come to understand what they have missed out on. The love, laughter and years both themselves and he has missed out on. While I can do nothing to convince my daughters to come back to the family, at least certainly not while I am alive, i can only wish that that were possible. Humans can be only that, human, by our own existance we are falible. If I were to recount the mistakes I have made I would spend any and all time I might have left in regret.
I am lucky enough to have been part of the most loving partnership and marriage possible, it is certainly nothing that I regret. In fact I wish I had another mere million years or so in which to love my husband, after all I would have liked to have been able to at least partially give back some of the love I have been given.
The love shared with my youngest daughter is also one in which I wish I had a few more millenium to enjoy, I understand that the love between mother and daughter is often exceedingly strong it is, sadly, not always that way. It must be one of the strangest loves the human heart gives us, or maybe I am just the lucky one, for nothing my other daughters could do or say, time nor distance can alter the love I feel for them. For me at least that love affair began the moment I laid eyes on them, love nurtured every day I got to hold them, watch them sleep, proudly watch as they succeeded in things they tried as well as things they failed at. In actual fact and hindsight, I think I was more proud of them in the failed endeavors than in their successful ones as of course the true nature of their strength always showed more in their failures rather than successes. Success nor failure has never moved my love for my perfect 'blondes' off track, I guess its a parents cross to bear, to be able to juggle between encouraging them to be the best they can be while basically not giving a dam as they would always remain simple perfection in my eyes.
That we could only be the parents we wished we'd had, the parents we always new we would be and those parents our children saw their friends had. Life is so short, for some odd reason it seems to onlybecome clear and become to be understandable as we draw closer to the end. That one defining moment of childbirth seems to alter everything including perspective. Surely most of which we learn from life comes from what we learn from our children and from our parents, I have learned more about my parents from my daughters than from anything else. I wonder if my children will ever realised they could have learned the lesson of forgiveness in forgiving me, after all they taught me most of my life lessons.
My youngest "baby" is now having a baby of her own, I do hope she learns earlier than me, that it will be her teacher not her pupil.
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